von Jacques Pinard Brown (Copyright)

I.

Ben was an amateur inventor. He invented things from basic concepts, hoping they would become popular.

One day he had a brain wave while watching an advertisement on television for the most famous brand of soft drink. He deduced that the popularity of the product rested solely on the name, rather than the taste there-of. What if he borrowed the name and just changed it a little bit; cola-cola. Yes, he liked the sound of it. He designed a nice modern looking emblem for his product, also using red and white as the primary colors, and went down to the patent office to register his invention. This was the easy part, now he had to get it sold.

He looked everywhere for a buyer but found no one that was even remotely interested in his product brand. Until he made a contact with a small no-name brand beverage and sweet manufacturer. Mr. Hobson was a friendly man, but also sharp and shrewd. He reasoned he had little to lose by accepting Ben’s proposal, especially seeing as he was asking so little money for his idea. They shook hands and signed an agreement. Ben relinquished the right of his idea for a small sum, and Mr. Hobson’s company proceeded to produce the soft drink; cola-cola.

Over the next few months Ben sat at home and watched the rise of the cola-cola company on his television set. Within a year it was a multi-million dollar industry, and was quickly becoming a serious threat to the livelihood and future existence of the established major players in the business. Everywhere you went people were drinking cola-cola, not only for its catchy name; but this cold drink also actually tasted nice.

Ben sat at home and watched as Mr. Hobson grew filthy rich, virtually overnight, on his idea. He compared this wealth with his slight compensation therefore, and resolved to procure a better deal with his next invention.

He spent a long time thinking before he struck gold in his mental mine again: personalized toilet paper.

II.

He had the idea of designing toilet paper with well known quotes of famous people on it, because everyone had a saying that they would like to wipe their backsides off on.

He also undertook to manufacture the toilet paper himself after having again registered his patent. First he experimented with the classical Greeks and Romans. So that his first toilet paper rolls contained the following quote by Archimedes; “Eureka!”

Only after testing it on his own toilet, did he grasp the value of his invention for the first time. The ultimate critical commentary on the foundations of society. He sold more rolls than he could produce, and this in turn went back into the development and manufacture of his product.

There were rolls saying; “Man is by nature a political animal” – Aristotle, and; “Nothing can be created out of nothing” – Lucretius. The examples were endless, the world was full of great quotes deserving of a butt wiping, business would boom for a long, long time to come. As long a people were producing shit, orally and analy, the money would keep on rolling in.

Some lines sold well all over the world, like the toilet paper with flowery print and Queen Victoria’s famous words; “We are not amused.” Or the George Bush and Donald Rumpsfeld quotes, which were especially popular in the Middle East, but sold well throughout the world.

Other lines only sold well in certain countries, such as the Winnie Mandela quote that was only popular among white South Africans; “With our tires and our matches, we will liberate this country!” But it was so popular amongst this group that the sales absolutely skyrocketed.

Another good seller was Patrick Henry’s; “Give me liberty, or give me death!”

III.

As fame and fortune grew Ben could start to personalize toilet paper for his own private use. He had a quote that he got from the tutorial comment on an old term paper of his, which was his personal favorite. It went; “There is no such word as ‘albeit’ in the English Language.” Sometimes he would have a big meal the night before, so that the following morning he can produce bodily excess several times in succession, followed by the pleasurable wiping of his ass on this great literary criticism.

He took care never to make public statements himself because he had learned from experience what the consequences of one’s words could be. He also made sure never to sell the rights to this invention so that, as long as he lived, he would decide whose words gets an arse-wiping, and whose doesn’t.